Résumé of a Worthless Job-Whore

This will be post #1 for NaBloPoMo and I already don’t know what to write about. God I fail at life.

I re-read my last post where I said that I’ve had about 15 jobs in the short working-period of my life. So since I already don’t know what to write about, I decided I’d take a little visit down memory lane. 

Resume of a hopeless, unreliable, indecisive, never-satisfied, job-whore:

(I also color-coded them just for funsies. Blue are jobs I liked. Red are jobs I hated. Pink are jobs that were “eh”)

Job #1: Hostess with the Mostest at Denny’s (Almost 2 years)

The only reason I even got this job was because my dance teacher’s dad owned the place (how do people actually legitimately earn their very FIRST job, anyway?). I worked with some of my best friends so it wasn’t half bad. Not only was this my first job, but it was my longest job. Is that pathetic? Yes, yes it is.

Job #2: Baller Caller at the SDSU Fund (9 months)

Worst. Job. Ever. I was that annoying telemarketer that disrupted your peaceful evening and pestered you for donations. This job was miserable. 

job-vs-homeless
Source: Daily Dawdle

Job #3: Fat Hostess With the Mostest at Olive Garden (Year and a half I think)

This place made me fat. I would eat around 10 breadsticks every day (broke college kid budget) and each one is something like half the amount of calories of a Snickers bar. That’s 5 snickers bars every day for lunch. Gross.

Source: Quick Meme
Source: Quick Meme

Job #4: Paid-Groupie at Cox Arena (7ish months?)

(AKA Event Staff) Easiest/best job ever. You could sign up to work any concert you wanted. “Work” usually consisted of checking tickets for 40 minutes and then you were free to watch the concert. I saw Metallica, Rise Against, Lady Gaga, New Kids on the Block and Lil Wayne fo’ FREE bitches.

Job #5: Tutor at Rosa Parks Elementary School (5 months)

Hardest job ever. I tutored a special reading class where most of the first graders barely spoke English (this was a very diverse school… as in there were no white kids). We were doing math and adding 10+11 and this little girl says “that’s how old my mommy is!”. Yikes. 

Job #6: Slave at House of Blues (2 months)

(AKA Marketing Intern) I don’t know what I thought I would be doing but it was NOT printing thousands of flyers of all different sizes. All. Day. Long. 8 hours of printing. Readjusting on Photoshop. Printing again. Cutting. Re-cutting when my boss’s boss said it wasn’t perfect enough. One day, I counted how many flyers I printed and cut (just for kicks) and it was over FIVE THOUSAND. Shoot me. Did I mention this was an unpaid internship? 

Job #7: Crab-Eater & Bullshit-Refuser at Joe’s Crab Shack (Year and a half-ish)

Best coworkers ever but the manager was the devil. Even though we had to give up our dignity by dancing to the “Carwash” or “Macarena” or another awful song every 45 minutes, this place also meant incredibly cheap crab on the reg, which is never a bad thing. I also got “laid off” for my shit-talking and inability to accept bullshit from my manager who liked to fire people every few months to “show everyone who’s boss”. We get it. You are.

Job #8: Cocktail Server at Marriott Marina (4 months)

This was the summer of  gnarley tan lines and chasing people around a giant pool to give them their ridiculously overpriced cocktails overflowing with fruit. 

Job #9: Drunken Greeter at Nicky Rottens (5 months?)

(AKA Hostess) This was an awesome bar in downtown San Diego that I LOVED. The bosses were cool (although somewhat douchey), my coworkers were awesome and got me hammered with free drinks every night during work but unfortunately, the pay was awful. I couldn’t survive off $8/hour. Especially when this place was also fattening me up (they made the most delicious burgers in San Diego).

Job #10: A Piece of Meat at Maloney’s (2 months)

(AKA Cocktail Server/Bartender) Job. From. Hell. The typical server-horror-story where the managers are creepers and the $300/night wasn’t worth the harassment received.

Job #11: Promo Girl at Team Enterprise (10 months? On and off)

(AKA “Promotional Spokesmodel” to be exact) Best job ever. I was a “promo girl” AKA I wore Bacardi/Grey Goose outfits and passed out drinks at bars. I also would “promote” specials at grocery stores by standing there “looking pretty”, all whilst getting paid $35/hour.

Job #12: Job Where My Dreams Were Crushed at the Boys and Girls Club of San Diego (Almost a year? Maybe?)

(AKA Special Events Intern) My “dream job” for a while was to do event planning in the philanthropic/non-profit area. While this job was awesome and gave me a lot of good experience, it also showed me how much work and time these kinds of event planners put in and how little they get in return (in terms of money, anyway).

Source: someecards
Source: someecards

Job #13: Sports Analyst at the Manchester Grand Hyatt (6ish months)

(AKA Cocktail Server at the sports bar who did excessive amounts of sports-watching whilst cocktail-serving). 

Job #14: The American at Caffe Moravia (8ish months?)

This was the first job I got while living abroad in Australia last year. It was the cutest little Italian cafe with the BEST coffee and awesome people and probably gave me the best experience as a foreigner because I got to hang out with locals all day.

Job #15: Brand Ambassador at Thumbprint Creative Promotions (absolutely no idea)

Honestly, I barely remember this job at all. Could’ve been all the “Goon” I drank in Oz. Hmmm…

Job #16: Person Who Tries To Force You To Spend Money On Something You Absolutely Don’t Need at some Paint Balling Company (1 God-forsaken week)

(AKA Sales Rep) Worst job EVER. Wait, has that already been taken? Whatever. I probably forgot about this one because I’ve done everything possible to try to block this horrible week of my life from my memory. I worked off commission. I was supposed to sell tickets to go paint-balling. I walked miles and miles and MILES door-to-door to random buildings/shops. I got rejected a thousand and a half times. I worked 9 hours a day. I made $130 TOTAL. I hated my life. And then I quit after a week. NEVER AGAIN. Although I did get to say sweet Aussie phrases like “Do you reckon you and your mates might be keen to give it a go?” People almost didn’t know I was a foreigner.

Job #17 (HOLY CRAP we’re already on 17): Wedding Crasher at Fenix Restaurant & Events (3 months?)

(AKA Event Staff) My absolute favorite job in Australia. I worked dozens of beautiful weddings, birthdays, anniversaries and other parties. The only shitty part was that I wasn’t off work until about 330am every night and had to ride my bike home on the sketchy road along the river (I actually would put my phone in ziplock bags JUST IN CASE I fell into the river.)

Job #18 (Wow): Server at Johnny Garlic’s (4ish weeks)

As much as I hated this job, I can’t even pretend to say it was “the worst job ever” because I don’t even really remember why I hated it so much. Johnny Garlic’s is like that bleached-blonde douche bag chef on TV that everyone hates. Oh wait, Johnny Garlic’s IS that guy. I actually had to sign a “non-disclosure” before working here, for the 4 weeks that I did. The food was actually pretty decent but I couldn’t stand the people working there. They were all lifers who worshiped Guy Fieri (which by the way, it’s pronounced “fee-eddi”. Gag). They wanted me to take a 200 question, 3-hour written exam before being able to serve. And I got in trouble for saying things like “no worries”. Ugh.

Source: The Chive
Source: The Chive

Job #19: Glorified Babysitter at Namoe Middle School (Going on 9 months whoop whoop!)

(AKA English Teacher) You’ve read enough about my teaching so I won’t bore you too much. This job is simultaneously the hardest and easiest job ever. But I love my kids, even though I complain about them 80% of the time. They’re still my little babies.

Whoa. That took way longer than I thought it would. And I didn’t even add my quick gigs as a gymnastics teacher, catering on an aircraft carrier or interning at a fashion show production company (mainly because it lasted only a matter or days or because I just remembered it and don’t want my job count to exceed the “teens”.)

So, with all this “experience”, what do you think I’m qualified for? Absolutely nothing. Like literally nothing at all. And I won’t even try to blame the shitty job market in ‘Merica. Nobody wants to hire somebody who works a thousand different jobs for less than 6 months each. This is what I need to fix in my life. Commitment issues. That and my attitude/problem with authority. 

So to all you other Bloggers who probably won’t comment regardless if I ask a question or not – where was your first job? Where was your worst job? Where was your best job?

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0 Comment

  1. Ceri says: Reply

    Omg, Kirsten, this reads like my CV too. I’ve never been able stick at a job probably more than 13 months. I kind of want to do a post similar to this too – Full credit to you for the idea, of course. 😉 We can bask in our job whorishness. Hahaha.

    1. Haha please do, I’d love to read it! People might say we’re “irresponsible”, I say we just don’t settle for less 😉

  2. Sally says: Reply

    Haha very nice. I had several stints of part-time jobs, but once I got trained as a barista at this one local coffee shop chain, I worked for them three different times in two different locations. So I can lump it together on my resume and it looks better, woop woop!

    My first job was as a restaurant hostess too, with creepy managers as well. But since I was under 18, they couldn’t be too creepy! After I left, one of the managers went on a drunken rage and threw some chairs over a balcony. Yikes. I’m glad that ended!

  3. Haley says: Reply

    Not enough to deliver the rest 😉 This was two years ago. Maybe it’s a Minnesota thing, but phone books are delivered for free twice a year!! Weird, right? It’s a common, make-a-quick-buck job based on how many routes you complete.

  4. Haley says: Reply

    Haha–I LOVED THIS POST! It took me down memory lane of all the shitty jobs I had where I would last maybe a day? Will you stay in SoKo for another year? Future plans?
    First Job: Old Country Buffet (it was where all my best friends worked in high school)
    Worst job: Delivering phone books door to door, in the rain, just to make quick cash–I had nearly 500 packed in my car, and I got through 100 to see that this was NOT worth my time 😉
    Best Job: I was a Long Term Substitute in Minnesota for a resource teacher who was on maternity leave, and I had the best kids, best coworkers, and really good pay.

    1. I’m glad there are some people out there who have had a lot of shitty short-lived jobs too haha! Were you at least getting paid well to deliver phone books? Who uses phone books anymore?! Must’ve been a long time ago 😉

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