Every so often, I feel like I’m stuck in a rut when it comes to writing and blogging. Last time it was because I had started obsessing over views and likes and “followers” and the overall unnecessary but coveted acceptance of people I don’t even know.
I get it now – it’s not about how many followers you have, it’s about the writing. It’s doing something you love and following your heart and all that sappy bullshit. Which leads me to my next problem: the writing. They say “write about what you know”, right? (I’m pretty sure someone said that.) Well I thought about it and the only thing I know is that I don’t really know anything. Like about anything. Which okay, may be a bit of an exaggeration, but looking back, I can’t really say I’ve ever written anything of actual importance.
I’ve been wanting to kinda “take my blog to the next level” and so I’ve been pouring over other blogs, trying to figure out how they became successful. Most of them say you have to have a unique “niche”, which I don’t (apparently budget/couple/Asia travel has been done a thousand times). Most of them have traveled EVERYWHERE, which I haven’t. Most of them are legitimately good writers. Which, we’ve gone over before and have agreed that I’m not really. And again, not in the modest digging-for-compliments kind of way, it’s just plain fact. And it’s something I’m okay with. It’s probably something I should try to improve but hey – I’m lazy and stuck in my ways and enjoy long run on sentences using a thousand parentheses with an abundance of foul language. Sue me.
So now here I am, a mediocre writer, doing mediocre things with my mediocre style. I can’t say there’s a single thing I really excel at. I confessed this to the boyfriend this morning and his rebuttal was “you’re more than a mediocre girlfriend!” Thanks babes. But again, this is NOT I repeat NOT about seeking attention to boost my confidence. So don’t even THINK about giving me a pity party. Pity parties are for little bitches. Just sayin.
Anyway, I’ve been trying to figure out WHY. Why am I stuck in mediocrity? Why have I never stuck to anything long enough to even see if I actually could excel? And the answer was obvious: I’m absolutely terrified of failure and rejection. I mean, who isn’t right? I can think of dozens of times in my life where I just gave up on something and passed it off as “not caring anymore” because I didn’t want to go far enough with it to really fail. And of course, when you live your life like that, you never really succeed either.
If you know me, you wouldn’t really guess that I have low self esteem, mainly because loud, sarcastic, often bitchy people don’t really have low self esteem. And for the most part, I don’t. I’m completely happy with the person I am. But when it comes to the THINGS I do – I’m like an insecure teenager going through her “awkward stage” in high school. It’s hard to put yourself out there. It’s fucking terrifying, actually. And let’s be real, I’m not the best at being criticized – let me stay in my bubble of oblivion, please.
Okay so I’m sure the overall lesson here is that I’m supposed to “persevere” or “cast aside my fears” or “put myself out there” or something synonymous to “quit being a little bitch”. But you know, old habits die hard, eh? I think I’ll start with my biggest failure lately and actually write more – run on, foul-mouthed paranthetics and all, bitches.
*All JLaw gifs were found on tumblr, therefore I didn’t really know how to source it. Sorry bout it. OH and instead of scouring the internet for nudes, read THIS instead