Stuck in Mediocrity – Why Blog Part 3

JLaw talent3

Every so often, I feel like I’m stuck in a rut when it comes to writing and blogging. Last time it was because I had started obsessing over views and likes and “followers” and the overall unnecessary but coveted acceptance of people I don’t even know.

JLaw gifI get it now – it’s not about how many followers you have, it’s about the writing. It’s doing something you love and following your heart and all that sappy bullshit. Which leads me to my next problem: the writing. They say “write about what you know”, right? (I’m pretty sure someone said that.) Well I thought about it and the only thing I know is that I don’t really know anything. Like about anything. Which okay, may be a bit of an exaggeration, but looking back, I can’t really say I’ve ever written anything of actual importance.

I’ve been wanting to kinda “take my blog to the next level” and so I’ve been pouring over other blogs, trying to figure out how they became successful. Most of them say you have to have a unique “niche”, which I don’t (apparently budget/couple/Asia travel has been done a thousand times). Most of them have traveled EVERYWHERE, which I haven’t. Most of them are legitimately good writers. Which, we’ve gone over before and have agreed that I’m not really. And again, not in the modest digging-for-compliments kind of way, it’s just plain fact. And it’s something I’m okay with. It’s probably something I should try to improve but hey – I’m lazy and stuck in my ways and enjoy long run on sentences using a thousand parentheses with an abundance of foul language. Sue me.

So now here I am, a mediocre writer, doing mediocre things with my mediocre style. I can’t say there’s a single thing I really excel at. I confessed this to the boyfriend this morning and his rebuttal was “you’re more than a mediocre girlfriend!” Thanks babes. But again, this is NOT I repeat NOT about seeking attention to boost my confidence. So don’t even THINK about giving me a pity party. Pity parties are for little bitches. Just sayin.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to figure out WHY. Why am I stuck in mediocrity? Why have I never stuck to anything long enough to even see if I actually could excel? And the answer was obvious: I’m absolutely terrified of failure and rejection. I mean, who isn’t right? I can think of dozens of times in my life where I just gave up on something and passed it off as “not caring anymore” because I didn’t want to go far enough with it to really fail. And of course, when you live your life like that, you never really succeed either.

If you know me, you wouldn’t really guess that I have low self esteem, mainly because loud, sarcastic, often bitchy people don’t really have low self esteem. And for the most part, I don’t. I’m completely happy with the person I am. But when it comes to the THINGS I do – I’m like an insecure teenager going through her “awkward stage” in high school. It’s hard to put yourself out there. It’s fucking terrifying, actually. And let’s be real, I’m not the best at being criticized – let me stay in my bubble of oblivion, please.

Okay so I’m sure the overall lesson here is that I’m supposed to “persevere” or “cast aside my fears” or “put myself out there” or something synonymous to “quit being a little bitch”. But you know, old habits die hard, eh? I think I’ll start with my biggest failure lately and actually write more – run on, foul-mouthed paranthetics and all, bitches.

*All JLaw gifs were found on tumblr, therefore I didn’t really know how to source it. Sorry bout it. OH and instead of scouring the internet for nudes, read THIS instead :)

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9 Comment

  1. Francisco says: Reply

    I happened to randomly come across your blog ( i found the one on HP first because, well, HP is ridiculously important) and then happened onto this one.
    It perfectly describes how I’m feeling right now about life and writing. Although you are a step beyond me, as attempts to start a blog for me has ended in abject failure.
    I’ll most likely poke through your life in Korea (as I’ve thought about teaching there in the past).
    Carry on writing. If nothing else your blog on mediocrity is putting words to feelings I’ve had for a long time and been unable to articulate. So, thanks for that. Cheers

    1. Kirsten Joelle says: Reply

      Thanks Francisco! I love hearing from people that can relate!

  2. Heidi says: Reply

    Woah, you totally put in words how I feel almost everytime I feel down. My biggest dream is being _something_ and in controversy biggest fear is staying mediocre. I have a past of being a quitter and it haunts me everytime I start something new. I have so many interests that it seems impossible to choose one to focus on. Thank you for this post, it sure offered me some peer support!

  3. Hello there,
    well here comes one of those replies from a randomn stranger who feels you.. Haha I’m sorry about being the 100th person that replies with: I know what you are feeling, I’m having the same shit. But well that’s who I am.
    I’m also living in a different country then my own and just started to realise how much I suck. I’ve had a lot of time to think about my life and what i want to do and the thing I figured out: I really don’t know who I am and what I want to do. I’m absolutely clueless!
    I’m also a little bitch who is perfect in making jokes and fun about other people and seem so confident about herself.. and here I’m sitting, in the middle of f*cking nowhere trying to figure out who I am like a high school teenager who just arrived in puberty-stage.. wohoo me…
    Well the thing I try to keep telling myself is:
    The first step is to know your own weaknesses. well hello, we know now that we don’t have as much self-esteem.. and we both know now that we want to be somebody, to have a talent to be good at something.. well you have your writing.. I have.. my… uhm.. well I’m very good in procrastinating stuff.. anyways.. we should be proud of ourselves that we want to grow as a person and that we want to become somebody, I think that’s the first step.. and well let’s promise eachother that from now on we will try to finish what we’ve started or at least think twice before quiting..
    and well thumbs up for your blog.. as you can see I haven’t even started yet.. haha

    greetings,
    Stranger..

  4. Ceri says: Reply

    I resonate with this so much. Especially when it comes to how I’m feeling lately. I kind of want to get rid of my blog but have been assured it’s just a dry spell I’m going through. Right now I just can’t see the point in writing anything there.

  5. Rae says: Reply

    I’m just a random person from Sacramento who stumbled upon your blog awhile back, and I’ve been telling so many friends how your sense of liberation in life (and being daring) motivated me! I would typically describe myself as living in a very deep sense of freedom, but there appeared to be such adventure in your life that I really admired. I just started (and almost finished in 2 days!) the book, Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It talks about the challenge of being vulnerable when we feel like we’re just not quite “good enough.” Your post here is very vulnerable, so congrats for stepping out, speaking out, and letting all of us know we’re not alone with these same kind of thoughts you posted about. I decided yesterday, I’m going to pick one thing I’m passionate about (I’m passionate about a lot!, but pick the one that gives me the greatest excitement) and study, research, memorize, and do whatever that topic is (a little every day for however long it takes) until I’m an expert in it. Btw, I think you’re awesome!

    1. Thanks for your kind words, Rae! It’s comments like yours and people like you that really motivate me to keep writing and do what I do! I’ll have to check out this book too, since it seems right up my alley :) Good luck on your endeavors and thanks again! Definitely a day-maker!

  6. It’s like you said though. Don’t change. Keep on keepin’ on. I’m still reading. More will follow. Just keep at it.

  7. Girl, I feel you 100% on this! Mediocrity IS my biggest fear in life and I’m also generally too afraid of rejection and failure to push hard for something. It’s the reason my blog hasn’t really taken off even though I know writing actually is one of my talents. I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom to share, but just keep it up and know that you’re not mediocre at all! Sometimes it just takes time for things to all come together. :)

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